Movie Review: Star Wars - The Clone Wars

I hate to say it, but for the first time in my life I truly, utterly despised something related Star Wars. And even worse, watching this movie acted as a catalyst, releasing many years worth of backlogged frustration I've built up while trying to make empty excuses for why Star Wars hadn't devolved into oblivion.
This movie simply reeks of incompetence and indifference. For example:
1. It has two of the worst characters from cinema, let alone Star Wars: Ahsoka, the Miley Cyrus of the Jedi, and Ziro the Gay Hutt. Either one is worse than Jar-Jar, and I hate Jar-Jar. The only thing I hate more than the characters is what they represent for where Star Wars has ended up: offensive, simplistic, retarded caricatures.
2. The animation was a bizarre mix of only decent 3D plastered on Microsoft Paint pixelated 2D backgrounds--unbelievably awful looking. There was no artistic integrity found anywhere in this movie.
3. John Williams didn't do the music; if there is one defining trait of Star Wars, it's the fricking music. Who thought it was worth making anything Star Wars without John Williams music?!?! Even the video games all use Williams' music as their auditory backbone. The pimp-jazz-hiphop crap they used was so, so wretched.
4. Why does Lucas think anybody watching Star Wars films gives a crap about trade routes and intergalactic shipping lanes? WTF?!?! I put up with it in Episode 1 and pretended like it was an intriguing backdrop for a Star Wars narrative; it wasn't, at all. But never in my wildest, most fevered dreams did I think that Lucas' stunningly original space mythology was actually some kind of weird-ass commentary on interplanetary economics and would dominate every narrative since The Phantom Menace.

I could go on and on and on, slowly releasing a tidal wave of rage tying together all my frustrations relating to everything Lucas has done to Star Wars since the original trilogy. He has taken a perfect trilogy of genuinely classic cinema and completely ruined it. It is a monumental achievement in ignominy.
The Clone Wars is a childrens movie and I think that is ultimately the problem. The original trilogy are classics in their own right and that will never change. But cinema has grown up since then. There are two fundamental problems that Lucas has completely failed to address in this regard.
First, with respect to cinematic storytelling mechanics, films have evolved way beyond anything Star Wars has offered since Return of the Jedi. We've had the incredible Matrix trilogy, Predator, Aliens, Battlestar Galactica, Sunshine, Pitch Black and The Chonicles of Riddick. All of these movies were superior to post-Jedi Star Wars. Lucas seems to think that amazing special effects will distract from superficial narratives and appallingly awful dialog. He's wrong. Star Wars should have evolved into something more like Battlestar Galactica, not Buck Rogers.
Second, everyone that saw the original trilogy as children has grown up. Lucas is still making movies for little kids. That's cool...I mean, Lucas can exercise his perogative to target the 8-12 crowd, but there is a mass of 25-35-year-olds that love the original movies that would die to see James Cameron, Ridley Scott, or Christopher Nolan make a Star Wars film; a darker, scarier, more gritty film set in the Star Wars universe but reflecting the kind of movie we want. The Batman franchise went from a classic reinvention in the 1989 film to the campy, horrific Batman and Robin in 1997 before coming back with a vengeance in Batman Begins and The Dark Knight. Star Wars needs its Dark Knight, not Batman and Robin #4.

The Clone Wars is apparently introducing a 100-episode animated TV series. I, for one, refuse to watch it; I will no longer give George my money or attention for such dreck. Similarly, he'e planning a live-action TV show to start in 1-2 years. Unless he manages to use the new Battlestar Galactica TV show as a model and pattern, then I will not watch it either. In fact, I doubt I'll watch anything Star Wars related until George is dead and the rights to make movies fall to literally anyone else on Earth. Because I'm convinced that almost any other human being on the planet could cobble together a better movie than The Clone Wars.

Thanks a lot, George Lucas, for destroying what was once one of the greatest trilogies in cinema. I'm going to go watch The Lord of the Rings and remind myself of what great fantasy filmmaking is like...