Movie Review: Punisher-War Zone

This movie has gotten awful public reviews, but going in with low expectations, I found that I loved it. It was significantly better than the previous two attempts...
Anyway, I've decided a slightly different review was in order:

Top Ten Reason Punisher: War Zone is better than Quantum of Solace
or
Top Ten Reason The Punisher is better than James Bond

10. Results, Results, Results!!:
After 5 hours and 2 movies, James Bond finally confirmed that an evil crime syndicate exists.
In 1 hour and 40 minutes, The Punisher not only decimated at least 2 complete crime syndicates, but did so without any more intel than knowing the correct caliber of ammunition to load in his guns.

9. Workin' for The Man:
Bond's whiny, bitchy boss chewed him out for a body count of maybe 3.
The Punisher doesn't have a boss, and knows that a body count of 3 is simply a slow start for the evening.

8. Employee of the Month:
Bond is only a small cog in the British government's new task force to stop the Quantum organization.
The Punisher is so efficient at eliminating whole criminal organizations that the NYPD and FBI simply locked their 2-man task force in the basement to keep them out of The Punisher's way.

7. Firepower:
Bond: there's no doubt that at any given time, Bond might be carrying a sweet gun.
The Punisher: What's better? Carrying 8+ sweet guns, any one of which out-awesomes anything Bond might come across.

6. Arch-Nemesis:
Bond: a man who hoards water.
The Punisher: a psychotic mob boss who lost his face in a glass-crushing machine and whose constant companion is his sociopathic, cannibal, martial-arts-expert brother.

5. Director's Critically Acclaimed Previous Effort:
Bond (Marc Forster): Finding Forrester, a movie about an old Scottish author and a young black kid who become buddies--very tender and boring.
Punisher (Lexi Alexander): Green Street Hooligans, a movie in which Elijah Wood becomes a British football hooligan and beats the living shiat out of everyone that crosses him, finally proving that Frodo Baggins could kill a man.
Bonus point: Punisher director = female.

4. Best Laid Plans...:
Bond Goal: find/interrogate suspects for information
Bond Outcome: usually ends up killing them prior to getting any information. FAIL.
Punisher Goal: kill bad people
Punisher Outcome: killing bad people. SUCCESS.

3. Most Hated Body Part:
Bond target of choice: limbs.
Punisher target of choice: face.

2. Theme Song:
Bond theme song: Alicia Keyes and blah-blah-blah...it was ass; the worst song I've heard in months.
Punisher theme song: Rob Zombie's "Warzone", which made me want to jump up, run 5 miles, do 100 push-ups, put up 200 lbs., and beat the crap out of a criminal.

1. Quantity of Pain Absorbed:
James Bond got several scratches and was nearly shot several times; he received adequate medical care as needed.
The Punisher had his knee kicked out and was shot no less than eight times, but never accepted a damn bit of help from anyone.

Bonus Round
Ultimate Showdown:
Bond sternly glares at antagonist Dominic Greene, gives him a quart of crude, and makes him walk away.
The Punisher gives Jigsaw an epic hand-to-hand beat-down, impales him with a steel rod, and sets him on fire.

Make no mistake, Punisher: War Zone is not classical filmmaking. It is pure, unadulterated pulp, meant to entertain with virtually no connection to the real world. It is easily the most violent, brutal movie I can remember seeing since 300. But it's all done in a very over-the-top , tongue-in-cheek way, which gives the whole movie a solid feel-good vibe. The Punisher is what Batman and Iron Man would be like if they were willing to kill criminals. The Punisher dishes out every bit as much pain as his obviously guilty victims deserve; occasionally more, but definitely never less. I applaud Lexi Alexander for making a movie that fits the character, which in every way is an unfortunately outdated commentary on a society that has become sissified by an unnatural moral relativity that increasingly seeks to justify criminal behavior as simply the aggresive response of repressed social minorities. If you really want to deter future criminals, PUNISH the guilty ones...